Sometimes what could be seen as bravery is just unthinking behaviour. I thought I could be strong, I thought my family too. I was wrong, but this helped me to do what I had to do. I immigrated.
It is a real mess in my head when I realize I do miss all of you a lot, but this country is my therapy. This adulescent crazy life is the life I always dreamt of before the real life, the one with Ines (I wish).
And this is also the life you always wanted for me. Remember when you were always saying to me : faut faire Maths sup /Maths spé, c'est la voie royale, tu verrais mon patient qui travaille à Macao, il a la belle vie, il faut aller à l'étranger... Do not blame yourself for that, I am proud I realized theses dreams, but the problem is that it is no longer dreams. It is my life and by the love, it is also yours.
I still ask myself if realizing my child dreams was a good idea. In other words, is it an adult behavior to lead your life by realizing the dream you made when you were 15 ? I do not know, I made it, it appears better, but it also has consequences. For the moment, everything is OK and I still have in mind that image I posted months ago of Jodie Foster in Contact saying ''I'm OK to go'' even if it is more like ''I'm OK to stay'' ;-). But I know what you feel, and sometimes I feel guilty and harmless. This is our first year, we have to rebuild our way of being a family. And do not make projection too much far, things may change. Let just the time for things to happen.
If any of the readers of this are a bit disappointed, looking for the direction of this article, just forget it. If things where clear in my head I would not have wrote this. I slowly realize what was happening in my loved ones heart and I can feel it now. I love my life here and I know what I want for the next few years, but sometimes I close my eyes and feel lost in that ocean between me and my family. Ce texte en est un témoignage.
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